MY REWARD.

                                                   

           I'VE NOTICED THAT AS WE GET OLDER WE BECOME MORE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT LIFE, EVEN AT THE RISK OF USING CLICHES (SOME OF THEM ARE GOOD) OR MAYBE AT TIMES we bend to SUPERSTITIONS. (NONE ARE GOOD.)

        WHEN I WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN THAT SUNDAY MORNING I SAW THAT MY

 SIDE DOOR WAS AJAR. I LIVED ON THE TOP FLOOR OF THE HOUSE, LISA AND HAL

 MARTIN, THE OWNERS LIVED ON THE FIRST FLOOR WITH THEIR NEWLY DIVORCED

 DAUGHTER, ANNA AND HER DAUGHTER, CLAUDIA, HOME ON HER COLLEGE BREAK.

 THE BASEMENT APARTMENT HAD RECENTLY BECOME OCCUPIED BY 25 YEAR OLD

 MATT, THE SON OF A FRIEND WHO WAS TEMPORARILY FLOODED OUT OF HIS HOME

 BY THE HURRICANE.

 I WENT TO SHUT THE DOOR WHEN I HEARD LOW VOICES COMING FROM

 DOWNSTAIRS. IN A FLASH I RECOGNIZED THE SOUNDS OF INTIMACY, A MALE VOICE

 AND A SLIGHT FEMALE GIGGLE. WHO WERE THEY? MR.MARTIN WAS OUT OF TOWN,

 SO THE ONLY MALE IN THE HOUSE WAS MATT BUT THERE WERE THREE

 WOMEN,LISA MARTIN WHO WAS IN HER MID-SIXTIES AND STILL QUITE

 ATTRACTIVE, HER DAUGHTER ANNA, (A REDHEAD SINCE BECOMING SINGLE) AND

 HER DAUGHTER CLAUDIA.

  I LISTENED AT THE DOOR BUT COULDN'T MAKE OUT WHAT WAS BEING SAID. I

  WAS HARD OF HEARING AND DID USE HEARING AIDS BUT NOT USUALLY THIS

 EARLY IN THE MORNING. ALTHOUGH I KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT IF I PUT

 THEM IN, I WOULD HEAR THE VOICES MORE CLEARLY AND RECOGNIZE THEM.

  SO, SHOULD I? THIS SEEMED TO BE AN ETHICAL QUESTION TAILOR MADE FOR THE

 GREEK PHILOSOPHERS AND TALMUDIC SCHOLARS. I DIDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANY

 RIGHT NOW BUT I WAS CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE ISSUE WHICH

 SEEMED TO BE...WELL, SPYING. I PULLED MYSELF AWAY FROM THE DOOR.

    SUNDAY WAS THE DAY FOR MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST, FRENCH TOAST

 SMOTHERED WITH MAPLE SYRUP. THE REST OF THE WEEK I TRIED TO CURB MY

 SUGAR INTAKE. I SLICE challah  AND MADE A NOTE TO MYSELF TO BUY ANOTHER

 LOAF. I MIXED THE EGGS WITH SOME MILK AND A DASH OF CINNAMON, AND WENT

 INTO THE BEDROOM.

WHAT IF I PUT ONLY ONE HEARING AID IN? WAS THAT HALF AS WRONG? WHAT

WOULD OUR CIA THINK ABOUT IT, OR WORSE, JUDGE JUDY? (THEY DON'T  BUT SHE

SCARES ME.)
AS FAR AS THE MALE'S VOICE THERE WAS NO CHALLENGE, THE FEMALE VOICE WAS

THE MYSTERY AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANY ONE OF THEM. BUT OH NO, NOT MRS.

MARTIN, AT HER AGE AND WITH A HUSBAND! THERE WAS HER DAUGHTER WHO,

NEWLY DIVORCED WAS RIPE AND READY. BUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT BEGIN ON

THE REBOUND OFTEN END UP IN TROUBLE. AS FAR AS CLAUDIA I BARELY KNEW

HER BUT AGE-WISE SHE AND MATT SEEMED TO FIT. (MY GENERATION MAKE A BIG

THING ABOUT THE AGES OF THE COUPLE.)

I SOAKED THE BREAD SLICES IN THE EGG MIXTURE, HEATED THE OIL IN THE PAN

AND PUT THE BREAD IN. BUT I WAS COMPELLED TO GO BACK TO THE DOOR. WERE

 THEY STILL THERE...STILL WOOING AND COOING? HE SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE

 HER LAUGH AND THEN THERE WAS COMPLETE SILENCE A NICE  SILENCE FOR A

 LONG MINUTE OR TWO. HMMM, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?

THAT'S WHEN I SMELLED SOMETHING BURNING, I RAN BACK TO THE STOVE AND

 TURNED THE SLICES OVER IN THE PAN. THEY WERE BOTH BLACKENED AND BURNT,

 BEYOND SCRAPING. SIMPLY NOT EDIBLE. I WAS FURIOUS WITH MYSELF AT MY

 NOSINESS, CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT AND IT RUINED MY BREAKFAST ALSO.

THE BREAKFAST THAT I LOOKED FORWARD TO EVERY WEEK, AND CONSIDERED IT

 MY REWARD FOR...I DON'T KNOW...GOOD BEHAVIOR?

IF THAT'S THE CASE IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT FOR BAD BEHAVIOR?

                                                   THE END

Good and Plenty...Not

                                                

On top of my list of the 'fun' things that come along with aging is related to driving a car.

How many years since I'm 18... uh, never mind... have I been parking a car and doing just fine with it. I'd see the spot on the street that I want with enough room between 2 cars, no fire hydrants, no warning signs... so I'd start out parallel to the car in front, back in sharply then turn the wheel until I am in the spot, straighten the car and voila! Like a pro! Only 4 moves will do it! But not anymore. Something new has been added to my life as a senior, my 'spatial' judgement is off. I do what I always did but now find myself too close to the car in front of me, or too close to the car behind me and sometimes, G-D forbid I hear that dreaded sound of my metal hitting his metal! And the time that I backed into a spot, hit the curb and went over it onto the sidewalk! 

I got out of my car and just stood there staring at it. High school kids passing by stopped and looked at me looking at it. I read their minds and I could see that they were trying not to laugh. I hoped they could read my mine: "Ok, boys and girls," it said, "laugh all you want but someday this will be you looking at your car on the sidewalk." And I stared so hard at them I think they were afraid of me because they all hurried away!

Yes, it was embarrassing but that's not the worst driving problem that came along with aging. My sense of direction is off, and this from someone who used to do a lot of driving from New York to all over New England and to DC, Virginia, alone. Now I don't dare even think of it, I'm getting lost here on Long Island! I start out to a new destination with directions of course, but at some point if the signs aren't clear to me I have to decide which way to go. "Trust Your Intuition" was a Senior magazine article that I cut out to save. Ha! My 'intuition' is inevitably wrong, I'll turn right when I should turn left.And BTW as far as "North" and  South, East and West, I'd like to kill everybody that  gives me directions like those. I don't carry a compass, does anyone? 

 So whenever I  get lost I just stop and ask people on the street. They're always nice about it, but they are either talking too low, or too fast.and often because they're so nice they give me too much information."When you see the store with the blue awning that has stripes on the edges... but not the one with the geometric design, make a sharp left there but if you pass the laundromat you went too far" etc etc.  By then my mind went blank, I thank them and drive off, trying to follow their instructions but...a few minutes later I'm lost again so I, (not being a man) have no compunctions about asking other strangers for directions, once, twice even 3 times in as I did last month!)"Oh no, how embarrassing," one would think, and my answer? Not a bit..because they don't know that they're the second or even the third person that I  asked and I ain't tellin' !" 

And then and then came that night...not long ago at the engagement party for one of my nieces. It's always a wonderful chance to see the whole family and we 'seniors' found each other and took a table together. So, catching up with each others lives, they began talking about their driving experiences. Many already gave up night driving, some gave up all driving, relying instead on local senior programs and family members. "What about  you" they asked me, "are you still driving?"

"Oh sure." They looked impressed, so I went on,  "I  go everywhere, even drive at night..." Did I sound too smug?  "but I have to admit" I added,with a laugh, "I do get lost a lot." They laughed too and my cousin Emma waved her arm," Oh of course you do, that's a family trait. Uncle Charlie always had a story to tell about his having  'no sense of direction.'" Alice added, "Cousin Sammy too, and he was one who didn't like to ask for directions. " They all nodded and laughed..." Men."

" Wait a minute," I interrupted, " are you saying that they had poor sense of direction..both of them?"

"Yes, not just those two, it runs in the family" she exclaimed.

 The words echoed in my head...Runs in the family. Just then the music swelled and the young engaged couple got up to dance. It was lovely to see, some of my family at our table got teary eyed, I had tears too but for a different reason! "It runs in the family."  Does it also run in the family that we don't know how to back park anymore!! Musical talent ran in our family but I don't have a drop of it! This is the one I inherited. But I wasn't angry or upset or bitter! Just the opposite, I was giddy, I couldn't wait for the next time I get lost. I'll just explain, "It's not my fault...it runs in my family".

The evening was over, I drove home  (with no incidents) and as soon as I got inside I had a phone call from my Grandson Jeff. I just left him at the engagement party. why was he calling me?"Jeff, what's wrong!" I asked.

He laughed, "Nothing's wrong Grandma, but we heard about your 'problem' and we..."

"Problem?...I don't have any..."

"The one about you getting lost when you're driving to new places. So we're coming over tomorrow, bringing you something, a GPS..."

" G P S  Good AND Plenty? Oooh my favorite. But why?"

"No Grandma, not candy. But you're gonna love this...  it's for when you're driving. It stands for "Global..."

I put my hand up, "What ??Global ...no, no..no." 

" It's a 'Global Positioning System' We'll tell you all about it, tomorrow". 

"Okay, come on over,  I have a fresh apple pie with ice cream for you all, bring that GPS" whatever it is." 

                                                          THE END

                                                         

 

 

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